Where the Devil don’t go

So I don’t know. I’m crazy, right?

To want a stable relationship when I have BPD and my boyfriend has his own issues which include intimacy and avoiding emotions at all cost.

I have been waiting. Waiting for him to find me attractive enough to have sex with me again (I’m no super model but I’m not ugly, either. I know that when I put an effort into my appearance I can look pretty). He has issues with himself, which is all well and good but I need sex and intimacy.

I really love him and thinking about life without him sucks. It hurts more than I can imagine. But I always want to be with someone who is emotionally available, can communicate, and wants to be intimate and affectionate. He’s as cold as a dead fish at the moment. He blames it on my emotions. But I wouldn’t be half as upset if he just cuddled me or kissed me or we had makeout sessions once in a while.

I’ve tried numerous times to talk to him but get nowhere but I’m stupid enough (*ding ding* judgement bell) to try again and again to talk to him.

Today I took myself off for a pedicure and it felt like HEAVEN.  I wanted to steal the vibrating massage chair and take it home with me. I concentrated on feeling good and not on the emotional turmoil that was trying to take over my mind.

I hate that my relationship is shit and because I’m the one diagnosed with something, every problem becomes my fault.

DBT – Week 4 Distress Tolerance

I want to say something to those of you who haven’t done DBT (Dialectical Behaviour Therapy) before. You may feel anxious about it or feel that it won’t work for you. It was specifically created by Marsha Linehan for people with Borderline Personality Disorder, but it has been known to help those with other severe mental illnesses. Actually, I think the average person would probably benefit from doing a course of DBT – it certainly wouldn’t hurt!

Yesterday was my fourth group session (I have done DBT two or three times before and each time I discover something new and develop better living habits). I wish I could carry the feeling I get from being in a DBT session with me all the time.I feel that I am not judged and that my flaws and mistakes are accepted. It feels wonderful to be in an environment where you know others support you and they can understand what you’re saying because they’ve been in similar situations and experience similar emotions and distress. This is not to say that I would want anyone to suffer from BPD, but it helps to know there are others who feel the same and are hurting, too. The sense of peace I get from my group sessions is undeniable. I feel more comfortable there than I do anywhere else, even though we’re discussing nitty gritty subjects sometimes and it can be hard to tolerate.

The past two weeks we’ve been doing distress tolerance, which is extremely helpful, if you practice and use the skills. Last time I did DBT, I got really disheartened when it ended and I just thought I’m alone now so why bother? I kind of gave up practising those skills and that’s not a good thing. You need to continually practise them until they become entrenched in you like a daily habit. If you only do the skill once, it most likely isn’t going to stick. It also helps if you have an open mind – Okay, it might not work for you the first few times, but on the 8th you might find something clicks, or maybe there is another skill that works better for you. You just have to experiment until you find your own list of skills that will help you cope.

As we’ve been told, distress tolerance is not about reducing your suffering (although the skills sometimes DO end up doing that, which is a bonus), but it is about getting through the tough times without making things worse.

I’ve been going through an extremely isolated and rough patch with my boyfriend lately and last night I got upset and he told me to ‘stop it’. Well, even though I didn’t enjoy the way he said that to me, it made me think of the ‘TIP‘ skills and I went to the freezer and got an ice pack, wrapped it in a paper towel and held it to my eyes and cheeks, holding my breath for thirty seconds. I did this a few times until I felt calmer.  It didn’t make my sadness go away but it made that moment bearable and eventually I was able to get to sleep without causing further problems with my boyfriend.

I also did intense exercise last night to calm myself down and it worked well. Obviously, you might have some days where the skills don’t seem to work as well. Keep trying those other skills til you find yourself being able to cope! I know it is easier said than done, but when you get through those tough times without engaging in self-destructive behaviour it makes you feel so much better long-term!

‘You’re not alone’ (yes, I am)

I really don’t appreciate how often that sentence comes up when I’m mentally ill, because yes, I am alone. In the end, it’s me that suffers, me that is diagnosed, and me that ends up shutting people out because they can’t deal with my ‘mental illness’.

One of the focuses for positive mental health is having a support network – your family, friends, psychiatrist, classmates, co-workers, whatever. Having people there that you can talk to when you’re struggling, and knowing that those people won’t judge you or make you feel worse, is crucial.

What about people without good support networks?

My family live overseas. I have two close friends but they also live overseas. I have a couple of friends here but I don’t feel close enough to them to trust them or burden them with my crap. My boyfriend has a mental illness (depression) as well so he has a hard time being there for me without getting burnt out.

 

My boyfriend asks me how I feel, but sometimes I know he really doesn’t want to know, so try to say ‘Nothing is wrong’ but he can feel that there is and he tries to dig it out of me. Meanwhile, I’m trying (FOR HIS SAKE) not to burden him with my stressors, because a lot of the time I know he thinks they’re pathetic (for instance – getting upset that he isn’t my friend on FB, but he’s friends with one of my friends that he claims not to like – he thinks that is ridiculous. It might be! It might be miniscule! But it HURTS me).

So, if I do end up telling him what’s wrong, he either misunderstands, gets mad, or walks away from me.

Two things I can’t stand more than anything:

  • being ignored
  • people walking away from me when I’m talking

I can understand now why people face things alone: not because they want to, but because when they get rejected, shut down, or invalidated, it hurts worse than keeping the thoughts to themselves.

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DBT – Week 1

Tomorrow is the first DBT session. I had my initial interview a few weeks ago and I’m feeling optimistic. I’ve done DBT previously (in 2015 and also four or five years before that). Each time that I’ve participated, I feel that I have become a stronger, more mindful person; not only that, but I believe that I have become more self-aware: I know where my weaknesses lie and I know what I need to practice more of and improve on.

righttrackcat

[picture courtesy of Emm Roy]

My goals that I talked to the therapist about include:

  • Decreasing emotion-driven behaviour (doing or saying something when I’m in an emotion mind)
  • Decrease impulsive behaviour (Cutting, binge-drinking, spending money I can’t afford to spend, etc)
  • Decrease insecurity and clingy/needy behaviour (UGH, this one is going to be a challenge because my current relationship is so unstable. It makes me want to vomit just thinking about it)
  • Increasing distress tolerance
  • Regulating emotions
  • Increase effective communication skills to ask for help from others
  • Gain confidence in myself so that I rely less on others

 

It sounds like a lot, right? I think a lot of my problems stem from being so isolated. I spend time with my boyfriend and maybe one or two other friends. I think I need to branch out and increase my support network. When my boyfriend is not able to or just doesn’t want to do anything, I want to have other people that enjoy my company and think I’m worth being around.

This all sounds well and good until I have a severely bad day, feel alone and unsupported, and just want to sleep or drink =/ UGH. I just wish I was normal. Why can’t I be normal…or at least semi-normal?

Rocky Road

So, it’s the beginning of a new year and it’s already off to a rocky start.

My boyfriend broke up with me in the early days of January. I had a difficult few days – couldn’t get out of bed, took some extra Seroquel (which I’m no longer prescribed, but I had remaining tablets) to help me sleep, and drank a little too much. Not exactly healthy and as you can probably imagine (and you’d be right),

I was very much in emotion mind. My wise mind was MIA and I thought she was gone for good. But a few days later, after forcing myself to get out of bed and just spend time with myself  (I went to see Passengers and I went to the beach, bought a new dress, etc), I started to tell myself it’s not the end of the world. It still felt like it, though. I kept imagining my life without him, and then imagining his life with a new girl and my thoughts were torturing me.

I had lunch with a friend on the Monday after we broke up and he made me feel a bit more confident about getting independent. We talked about me looking for an affordable place to rent and having my own space. I went home and searched online for cheap rentals and I found a suitable place and on Tuesday asked my boyfriend if he would print out the application for me. He said he would. But he didn’t. He ended up crying and telling me that he didn’t want me to leave. He wanted things to work out but he didn’t want to fight so much (reasonable enough). He asked me to lay with him on the bed and he snuggled me and it felt SOOOOOOOOOOOO nice.

So, we got back together. He wants to add ground rules to our relationship – such as both of us having space, doing things separately with our friends, etc. I don’t honestly know if it is going to work. I want it to, but I also want him to acknowledge my needs and make me feel like he’s making an effort.

=/ I don’t even know what the right thing to do is but I am starting DBT in February and so maybe that will help me a little.

 

 

What BPD feels like to me

People tell me that ‘it’s all in your head, just snap out of it, other people manage – why can’t you?’

Here’s why: what I literally feel like every day (or, if I’m lucky, every other day)

  • Like I fuck something up at least once an hour – whether it be misinterpreting something that someone said, taking something personally, getting on my FP (favourite person)’s nerves, or screwing up my own happiness.
  • That I’ve pushed my luck and my FP is finally going to abandon me – imagine feeling EVERY SINGLE DAY that you are going to lose the most important person in your life and that it will all be YOUR FAULT. It’s a terrifying feeling and it makes me sick to my stomach. The little things I do that get on his nerves, that get on my own nerves, they’re finally going to drive him away.
  • That no one understands me or wants to try and understand me – Believe me, I don’t understand myself a lot of the time, so I don’t blame you for not understanding me.
  • That I am utterly alone and unloveable – Look at me, my mum couldn’t even stay for her whole visit because I’m so ‘unloveable’. (My psychiatrist pointed out that we’re both alike and that we both have separate issues and that my mum’s decision to go home early wasn’t on me, but you know how much I believe that). When you find out your FP doesn’t even want to listen to you anymore, even though you’re TRYING to be rational. It’s like I’m talking to the wall. In fact, I’ve started talking to myself because, hell, PLEASE STOP MAKING ME FEEL INVISIBLE!
  • That I fail at everything I do  – relationships, jobs, school, family. I’m inevitably going to fuck it all up
  • That my emotions are going to drive me crazy – I’m tired of being too sensitive. I’m tired of being so edgy and I know that people walk around eggshells sometimes because they’re afraid of how I’ll react.
  • There’s something wrong with me and everyone can see it – which makes social situations even more awkward. I feel like people just look at me and can see what a wreck I am. I look at people that ‘appear confident’ and wonder how the hell do they do that?

 

I’m so tired of feeling things right now. I’m so tired of fucking up. I want things to go right.

 

The only positive at the moment is that I’ve got into the DBT program and it starts on February 9th. I’m so ready for this.

Happy 2017

I want to wish you all a Happy 2017 – may it bring you self-love, confidence, peace, and happiness. If you are suffering badly at the moment with your mental illness, I hope that you have supports around you.

My goals for 2017 are simple:

  • Try to be more positive about myself and others
  • STOP GETTING MY FEELINGS HURT (seriously, brain, I know your sensitive but this is ridiculous!)

whatcouldgowrong

  • Continue my studies
  • Actually attempt to enter a writing contest or get something published
  • Challenge my intrusive thoughts (sometimes this is EXTREMELY hard)

The past few weeks haven’t been easy. My boyfriend has depression as well and he has been in a slump. With my BPD, anxiety and depression, I tend to take EVERYTHING personally and think everything’s my fault and if he snaps at me or gets grumpy, I feel that he doesn’t love me anymore. Logically, I know that’s bullshit. He has feelings too and we both handle them differently. He cares for me and it can get exhausting. I need to remember that he is allowed to have feelings and just because he’s upset doesn’t mean it has anything to do with me. <~~*NOTE TO SELF*