My relationship with S recently ended. I know it’s for the better; we weren’t really good for each other, I guess. He invaldiated my feelings all the time or ignored them because he didn’t know how to deal with them. It was a storm-in-a-teacup relationship. We had amazing times and lots of fun, but then had some doozies too. I miss him and I did love him. But I’m trying not to focus on him or the memories…though I’ll never be able to listen to ‘Creep’ again and not think of him. He used to listen to it all the time; it was one of his favourite songs and he got me into some of Nirvana’s songs.
On to the theme for tonight: invalidation.
‘Normal’ people make me feel SO invalidated. I think that’s why I avoid guys and friends that are so ‘normal’ (ie. have a job, are married, have their shit together). Like, I know everyone has difficulties but I feel like people look at me and think I’m not even trying and that I’m just miserable by choice. It’s not true. But I feel SO invalidated by men, especially. Getting told ‘you’re too emotional, just chillax or be happy because life’s too short’. I *DO* understand that people mean well…but it makes me feel like I’m not worthy of being around people like that. I think that’s why I cut myself off from people sometimes…because I feel like I’m just a downer. I’m so scared of how everyone is going to think of me that I don’t even know who I am or what I want anymore. It’s scary as hell because I’m way too old to be feeling like this.
Was I ever ‘normal’? Even as a teenager? I don’t know and all my thoughts get muddled with things that have been said to me over the years by my ex-stepfather (emotionally and verbally, sometimes physically abusive) and by my first adult ex-partner. So I get confused by what I’ve been told and by what the ‘truth’ is. Is it right that I’m going to be alone for the rest of my life because no one will ‘put up with me’? Or was that just something told to me because the person was cruel and trying to intimidate me into action. Am I ‘too emotional’? And how do you judge ‘too emotional’? Isn’t that subjective? When he (my friend today) said I was being too emotional, what he really meant was too emotional for him, right? Because given the situation (I was lying down, he was on top of me, I was prepared to let him have sex with me even though I didn’t want it), I think I’d say I have a right to feel emotional. Don’t get me wrong, when he realised that I wasn’t ‘into it’ he stopped and asked me if I wanted to stop and I managed to nod. But then he was like ‘you should just tell me you want me to stop. You have a choice, yes or no.’ and that makes sense! But in my head all I can think is ‘I did this to myself so I can’t say no, now, without looking like a tease or some girl who’s confused.
He did recognise that I was confused and he wanted me to talk to him. But how can you talk to someone when they think you’re being ‘too emotional’ and that you need to ‘chill out’. Every word that I could have said after that would have seemed too dramatic or whatever for him. So I said it was okay. He asked if he’d done anything wrong. I said no. I felt SO guilty.
Should I have felt guilty? He assumed that he could come over to my house, things would be okay, and that we’d have sex, maybe? So why should I feel guilty for HIS assumption? I don’t know. I feel like I have no idea what I’m doing on a daily basis and it’s a struggle. Yes, I know – I should be ‘happier’, ‘chill out’, ‘stress less’. Why can’t people just accept that this is who I am? I worry. I have anxiety. I have BPD. I’ve had shit happen that has made me think the way I do. You can’t just expect me to turn into someone I’m not. Or maybe you can only be loved if you have a perfect life? Like, why am I not worth loving because I have these issues?