So I don’t know. I’m crazy, right?
To want a stable relationship when I have BPD and my boyfriend has his own issues which include intimacy and avoiding emotions at all cost.
I have been waiting. Waiting for him to find me attractive enough to have sex with me again (I’m no super model but I’m not ugly, either. I know that when I put an effort into my appearance I can look pretty). He has issues with himself, which is all well and good but I need sex and intimacy.
I really love him and thinking about life without him sucks. It hurts more than I can imagine. But I always want to be with someone who is emotionally available, can communicate, and wants to be intimate and affectionate. He’s as cold as a dead fish at the moment. He blames it on my emotions. But I wouldn’t be half as upset if he just cuddled me or kissed me or we had makeout sessions once in a while.
I’ve tried numerous times to talk to him but get nowhere but I’m stupid enough (*ding ding* judgement bell) to try again and again to talk to him.
Today I took myself off for a pedicure and it felt like HEAVEN. I wanted to steal the vibrating massage chair and take it home with me. I concentrated on feeling good and not on the emotional turmoil that was trying to take over my mind.
I hate that my relationship is shit and because I’m the one diagnosed with something, every problem becomes my fault.